No Cheap Beer!
Words from Deacon O'Connell, one of the founding members of the "No Cheap Beer" Foundation.
Amen brother Yuri. You too have seen the light and listened to the TRUE word. All one need do to hear the true word is to open ones heart and mouth and taste the truth. Experience the true joy of the sacrament of the hops. These heathens who dare defile our temple must be cast out. They have been lead astray by the evil one and now must go to live with him. Yeast is mine sayeth the lord. Yea though I walk through the valley of functions I will buy my beer. I am the way the truth and the light, he who drinks with me will never go low!
I have been to the bunker top and found a burning weed which spoke to me. It gave me these seven commandments (odd number huh!)
* 1. Always buy your beer.
* 2. Thou shalt not bear false witness about buying your beer.
* 3. Thou shalt buy only green bottles **
* 4. Thou shalt not make beer from rice.
* 5. Thou shalt covet thy neighbors beer
* 6. Thou shalt hold no drinks above beer.
* 7. Thou shalt not lead students astray from buying their beer.
** Or other equally high-quality beer in other-colored bottles.
Carry the message of No Cheap Beer to Drop Zones far and wide. Go in peace.
Deacon White, NCB #12, kindly provided me with a copy of the Beer Rules
A link to the Warsteiner home page - a beer I've grown even more fond of after seeing the buttons they pass out at Quincy every year - "Life's too short to drink cheap beer."
Here for a list of Approved Beers on the web.
Beer Quotes from www.beerismylife.com
Why Beer Should be Allowed At Work
God's Safety Bulletin #1
To prevent unnecessary delays and heretic misuse of the sacred beverage, all the monetary donations, as well as color bottles, will be sent directly to The Speaking With God, Reverend Yuri (NCB #1) Plain bottles will be collected for different purposes in Hell.
There's also a Beerkeeper position available, good benefits and all the other stuff... qualified brothers only.
bsbd! The Holy One.
P.S. NCB and Branch Yuridians are looking into combining efforts to develope a strategy of laying hands on whatsoever beer in sight.
A page for prayers for the lost.
Do you wish to join our foundation? If so, then mail wendy.faulkner@gmail.com with your pledge to follow the commandments and any comments you wish to make, along with your name and email address
Quotes from NCB believers
"Though I decendeth from the heavens smitten with thirst, I know that should I be tempted with the cheapest of beer, I shall bear both true and honest testimony against its rotting taste. May we always have a full canopy, calm skies, and a good strong bottle opener at our sides." Brother Yakov, NCB #427
Let it be known that, I Scabanga ( aeroscab #1) do solemnly swear to dutifully follow the commandments of the No Cheap Beer Foundation in the strictest order! If in the unlikely event I should lapse or be lured into breaking the commandments I fully understand the shame that will be brought upon me, my family & brothers & sisters of the NCB. Scabanga Levine, NCV #417
a Yea brethren, once I was the worst of the heathen. I stood among my brothers and sisters and did shamelessly consume cheap beer from a can. How many young sparrows I corrupted only He Who Guides Clean Deployment knows. For many years I walked the path of unholiness, consorting with the demons Coors, Budweiser and the great beast itself...Miller Lite. Yet never was I punished by the Great Brew Master in the sky. I jumped shamelessly and still did I give and receive cheep beer. Then one day DID HIS MIGHTY HAND!!! striketh me. He did guide my hands to packeth my main as if it were a camping tent with the dirty clothes thrown into the bag with it. Yea and as sure as Hey Lands double bach was the ale of my salvation, did my canopy cometh out string over. Heathen that I was, I shooketh and did I mightily try to unburden my canopy. But HIS hand did somehow get mine bridle into the works. Forced was I to cutteth away. But HE saw fit to send his angels Ale and Bach to my unworthy self. Guide did they mine reserve to fruition. And did I land rejoice fully upon HIS ground which doth giveth the malts,wheats,hops and barleys nutrition so that they may find fulfillment as the nectar to be found in colored bottles with interesting labels. Know all ye who here this sad tale that is our Holy duty to show all others the folly of giving and receiving cheap beer with thine ground crew or thy fellow jumpers. I beg thy forgiveness. I have preformed the atoning ritual of casting myself from the **** **** bridge in the Holy land of fine beers ******, Calif. The Lord of Hearty Oak Flavored Beers did grant me the miracle of not having the sheriffs appear and confiscate my gear and put my unworthy rear harness support in jail. I do swear I shall never stray again...May he striketh me with boils and a great round canopy for ever after if I do stray. I am humble before thee. Deacon Matthew Budd, NCB #407
Brothers and Sisters, Boys and Girls, Ladies and Gentlemen, I bring you a message. A message of a Skydiver afflicted by the forces of darkness. A skydiver who thought that though beer was due, It could wait. (GASP!) Yes, my patriots, I thought that even though I'd done my first four stack and my first downplane, and left the dropzone at the virginal hour of 9PM, I cuould come back the next morning and no one would question my dues until the next week. The Beer Karma is a true force, a powerful force. As I boarded the airplane with some believers to do my first four-way canopy diamond, I still held the belief that I was free and clear. This was not to be. The Beer Karma, in it's infinite wisdom, Smited me in the proverbial ass, as I was afflicted with a severe left hand spiral as I deployed my canopy at 14,000 feet. Be cleansed my brothers. After cutting away, and some discussion with the High Priestess Faulkner, it was determined that the Beer Karma was in the air. That I would not be truly pure, until the owed beer was at it's rightful place at the DZ's over 21 only fridge. I testify before you, my peers, that I got off easy. It was a message from the Malt Deities that I need to convey. Because the beer you do not buy for your fellow skydivers today, may be your last. A new believer, Juan Morales
Behold, I receiveth thy message of salvation, and do repent of my sins of drinking ye cheap beer. Yea, I do swear, (often) that I am reborn and re-baptized with ye blessed hops of the green receptacle. Hence I shall go forth and proclaim - "Ye shall hath no cheap beers before me". - Amen. Preacher Jimmy-James, NCB #396.
I vow upon all that is Holy and served in Colored Bottles to follow the commandments of Reverend Yuri. Let the Light and Truth of the NCBF shine into every dark cranny where the heathens foolishly worship the pagan light "beers." When I encounter the Devil in the form of Brews that, verily, seem darker upon exit than entry, I find strength and comfort in this prayer: Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of College, I will drink no cheap beer: for thou art with me; thy Bass and thy Guinness comfort me. Deacon Korn, NCB #393
Oh, your high priestessness! I write from a dark and lonely corner of the world, one without the benefit of a Shiner distributor, to beg acceptance into the brotherhood. Here the winters are long and coold, allowing for less openings, but more openings! Oh how I miss the Texas sunshine! And the Texas beer! Knowing the effects of withdrawal, I vow not only to hold Cheep Beer in contempt and follow the commandments, but to STOCK UP ON THE GOOD STUFF NEXT TIME I'M DOWN! And for those of us with some of the Irish blood, I nominate George Killians Irish Red (and his others) to the list! They can take our lives, but they can't have our BEEEER!
I hail from Cleveland Sport Parachute Center in Parkman, Ohio. I have witnessed many a student come to the dropzone with cheap beer and this is a tragedy. I and my skydiving brethern at our DZ frown upon this shameless behavior. I pledge to follow the commandments and to carry the word far and wide to all DZs I visit. I wish to become a proud and loyal member of the NCB foundation and to spread the gospel amongst all i encounter. Deacon Fox, NCB#387 I have tasted swill, I have even tried a Budweiser out of curiosity once. The grass that I poured it on died. Praise be to the brewmasters of Ireland and Namibia! Deacon White, NCB #361
Heinekins, heinekens
bubbly brew
comes n' green bottles
I've downed quite a few
I'll eat when I'm hungry
drink when I'm dry
n' if Heinekins don't kill me
I'll quaff till I die ;_)
Deacon Berntsen, NCB #351
Death to bland lagers and keg beers everywhere, the Microsoft of beers ! Deacon Eaves, NCB#360
Keep hope alive that on some distant day, at some distant DZ, someone will finally eliminate cheap beer forever! Then we can all live in peace...with out fear of people buying or smuggling cheap beer. Deacon Blake, NCB #344
At skydive Orange(Va.) we sometimes get a misguided soul who buys che ap beer, but we have found a good use for it. We either throw it into the bonfire, or use it for accuracy practice in the peas. One of our esteemed brothers (Elmo) has even managed to bust 12 open on one swoop Deacon Dube, NCB #332
I have wandered lonely in the wilderness of cheap beer for many years. Being of pure heart and good taste I have sought brethren of similar tastes but have been besieged on all sides by those who would have me imbibe evil foul smelling brews. I have attempted to bring many into the warmth and glory of good beer. This has been a difficult and lonely effort. But my spirits have been renewed with the new knowledge of your flock. I implore you to take me in from the wilderness so that I may continue to toil in this effort but in the companionship of brothers and sisters of a like mind. High Priestess, I swear by all that is pure and good found in green and brown bottles, by the bottle opener on my key-ring, with my hands upon a case, that I will uphold the seven commandments, that I will continue to work tirelessly to convert the masses, that I will abide by the sacred beer rules, that I will consume nothing but the purest of porters, stouts, ales, and laggers. Deacon Rossi, NCB #321
Oh High Priestess & Patron Saint of the Drunken, Hear my prayer, Though I walk in the valley of the shadow of 300 jumps, I shall fear no cheap beer, my Speights "Old Dark" & my "Black" Mac's Ale doth comfort me. Thou leads me not into temptation, but lays me down in fine breweries, with tanker loads of dark beer all the days of my life. For thine is the kingdom of good beer, the power & the glory, good beer forever & ever, skydiving without end. Amen. Deacon Carr, NCB #105
I pledge to continue to honour our commandments, as long as I have a hand to hold a bottle, and lips to place against the opening. Ahh, opening. A glorious word with two important applications in our activities: The opening of the canopy, and the opening of the bottle. Both are events in which to rejoice and give thanks. Deacon Learmonth, NCB #299
I would be a ernest and dedicated member if allowed. I have been professionaly trained as a beer commonsewer and a fun Skydiver for at least 38 yrs now. Please allow me in to add at least a little dignity to my reputation. I am the oldest & the longest remaining member here in So Cal area of the infamous Air Trash Skydivers not to mention the record particapant of the the Pieces of Eight Skydiveing team Don Vredenburg D-423 SCR 172 NCB#275
We at Headcorn UK fully subscribe to the commandments and practise ea ch week. If the skies are bad and getting worse, we normally start at lunchtime down at the nearest watering hole and carrying on into the night. Trips to the l ocal shop are often, as well, to make sure we never undersubscribe. We are so de vout, we buy beer even when there is no occasion. Normally we stand there with bottles in our hands waiting for the last lift to lift the wheels off the ground and to open our bottles (unless we are on the last lift).. My husband and I are looking forward to the next two weekends when we will jump our first rigs and will happily celebrate with beer, beer and more beer. Oh, yes, we do manage to skydive soberly, to better enjoy the beers later.
NCB #272 Belle 'Swoop' Hard
"Repent ye from thine cheap swill and be baptized with the nectar of life!" --The Baptism of Beer Joseph the Baptist, NCB #270
I do solemnly swear to do more than try,lest I die. comments = Those in other walks of life know the works of The PROBE. I say unto them, as I tell those assembled here. There is no wisdom in seeking the lite. True enlightenment is where the dark is. Be it hidden in tall bottles and brewed by Monks with tonsures, or sealed in kegs for the land-locked fishers of Bass. As the spawn of wine-drinking Slovaks, I still endeavour to one day become a bounced Czech. If my jump number ends with "00" and also starts with a '0' I still hafta buy you guys a case? Whuffo... James the Trappist, NCB #327
Thou shalt punish all cheesedicks that continue to purchase cheap bee r for any occasion. May they be cast down to the depths of hell to spend eternity receiving Schlitz and Stagg enemas. All brothers and sisters shalt gather to gether to celebrate the Blue Sky and the expensive beer. NCB #269, Deacon Craig Cranmer
While I am generally loath the partake in recreational activities that cost more than a jump, skydiving, and skydiving alone has made me realize that LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO DRINK CHEAP BEER. One day I'll bounce - or worse, and then what? It's not like I can ever go back and undo all those cheap beers. Sure, I can write off a certain number to youth, poverty, and inexperience. But now that I'm older, wiser, and learning to freefly, I've realized that life is too precious to waste on the trivial, the banal, the watered down. So it's high quality beer made with the same attention to detail that I demand from my rig every single jump. Just as no jump is trivial, neither is beer. Deacon Robert Lawton, NCB #241
When it is late and you tempted to go to the dark side, resist and recall your pledge. Call on these words for strengh: Yea tho I walk thru the vally of cheap beer, I shall fear no evil for Sam Adams walks with me. Deacon David A. Keeton Esq. NCB #261
A Message from a true convert.
May my liver revert to a vibrant pink color should I ever waiver from those commandments placed before me. As I continue my current expatriation in Europe I find myself on a holy quest to sample many of the divine brews not found in clear or alumnium vessels. I pray my journey to continue to be fruitful? as I supply many cases with each new DZ I encounter. Deacon Kevin O'Dell, NCB #220
And so it came to pass that the jumps were done, and the beer flowed like water. Then from among the gathered came a stranger, and low, the crowd wa s agast when he placed before them some crude rudimentry form of cheap beer. Th en the voice of the lord was heard to say' Take this bufoon and static line him till he dies!'. And so it was done on earth as it is in heaven( heaven being an unspecified DZ in the a land of blue skies and fair winds, not to mention plent iful beer). Then the lord spake once more' Let no man, woman or beast ever part ake of the cheap beer, low they be static lined till they die. As your lord has spoken shall it be done. Deacon Ken Stone, NCB#199
Believers who practice communion. A full-bodied dark Beer is liquid bread, the Body of the Savior, light Beer (mass-market camel piss is not Beer) the Blood. To be truly saved, one must accept both sacraments.
-Drew Eckhardt, NCB #7
As a member (MBS #2) of the Canadian (and founding!) Chapter of the MBS (More Beer Skydivers) and the original group against the NB'ers I extend an open invitation to all NCB'ers to join our Chapter and to thank them for lending a hand in ridding the earth of those NB heathens!!! I raise a glass to you! No - I raise NUMEROUS glasses to you all! NCB#27 Michelle Hoyle - That Canadian Chick
O WENDY! o wendy...o-o-o-o. Ah do believe! Thou hast truly shewn me the amber lite and the error of mine ways. My head hath lacked protein for too long, thus lasteth not. By the Holy Fount, I do pledge my troth to thy Seven Commandments and do trust that I shall be baptized in its Liquidity. In the Holy Book I do place my imprint as NCB #31 Ted Dentay e-mail tdentay@netrover.com. Editor Canpara Magazine
Cheap beer is abomination of the worst kind and them heathen purchasing it and consuming it will burn in Hell forever. For it has been said: "7:26 Neither shalt thou bring an abomination into thine house, lest thou be a cursed thing like it: but thou shalt utterly detest it, and thou shalt utterly abhor it; for it is a cursed thing." Ivan, NCB#37 The Holy Bible
Those that do not believe will be struck with a sickness that can only be found in a cheap beer bottle at the end of a long night, the next morning. I have learned my lessons again and again but now I have seen the light and find myself in the position where I cant and wont go back! - Deacon Callantine, NCB#57
CHEAP BEER is an abomination upon the earth. It is the creation of EVIL, VILE subhumanites who are only interested in the dollar. These creatures have no soul and will never enjoy true happiness. Thus it falls upon us to make sure that they never have a moments peace and that their product is boycotted. Praise to all that is Dark and Full Bodied. Amen. -NCB #75, Priestess Kimble S. BronsonA
We are the pledged protectors of the sacred NoCheapBeer covenants and must defend our faith with our lives if need be. Let no one trespass against our beliefs lest they be put to death (or cut off from any BEER) for violating these commandments. We must stand together BROTHERS and SISTERS for in this day and age there are many CHEAP BEER violators and they will try there best to convert you. If every member of the foundation BEARS TRUE FAITH and ALLEGIANCE then WE SHALL OVERCOME and smight the EVIL, DISGUSTING, CHEAP, NO QUALITY, ROTTEN LIVERED, DISGUSTING, creatures known as CHEEEEEEEEAP B.BE.BEE.BEEEER (I can barely say such a vile disgusting phrase) DRINKERS. P.S. Good quality whiskey or rum can often compliment a good BEER and even once in a while are OK by themselves but they should NEVER be held in higher esteem over beer. Violations of this should be punishable under the articles of the foundation. P.S.S. I would also like to be considered for a position on the foundations counsel. Possibly as THE SEARGENT AT ARMS!! GOOD DAY TO ONE AND ALL AND CHEERS TO YOU! REMEMBER BLUE UP GREEN/BROWN DOWN!!!!!!
Made level one jump two weeks ago..... Based on the information received HERE, I offered a case (yes, 24 bottles) of Samuel Adams to my new skydiving brothers. A good time was had by all. Blue Skies! Mike Shepard, NCB #80
Everything on the top two shelves (132 beers) were from me on one beer run, I cannot speak for the crap on the bottom of the shelf, nor the beer on the door (which includes Coors light which is not on the approved beer list). I pledge to now live by the commandments of NCB; however, I apologize for buying Corona and that strawberry Bacardi shit and breaking commandment #3, I now see the error of my ways. I will donate several more cases to aid in the advancement of this cause. ~ Joshua Swetz NCB #432
